Updated: Sep 6, 2019
University. So I went, I saw, I conquered, and I left at Christmas. It wasn’t for me, and for a while I saw this as a huge failure on my part. I hadn’t stuck it out, and for me I wasn’t used to giving up. But the universe had different plans for me. I went into a deep state of loneliness, and I felt tired all of the time. I couldn’t pick myself up, and this went on for a fair few months. Even the things that gave me once pure joy, and could get me through anything, suddenly lost their effect, and couldn’t help me anymore. I couldn’t feel anything, and that purely sucked. All of my friends were getting on with their lives, one of my friends even got engaged, and where was I? Living at home with my parents, single, having a pretty awesome job, but not on my career path yet, and not knowing where I stood. I didn’t know me, and nothing necessarily bad had happened to me, but I just didn’t have my mojo.
S o W h a t D i d I D o ?
After a while of feeling pretty much nothing, and pity parties occurring pretty frequently. I allowed myself to stand back from it all for a bit. Not only did I give myself a break from social media (which proved harder than you would think), but I allowed myself to be missed, I allowed myself to take a breather, and to try and work out where my life was going; without the pressure of the time limit, which only I was setting myself. The problem was, I felt lonely and unwanted by people only because I didn’t allow my friends to contact me first. I contacted them so much, that they simply got used to it. So coming off everything for a few weeks really made me realise that I’m not alone at all, I had just gotten into the same routine. So it was time for a change. To jazz it up a little.
N o w f i g u r i n g o u t w h e r e m y l i f e w a s g o i n g ?
Yeah that took a little more time. I spent hours on job sites, making mind maps of all of the characteristics I hold, and trying to associate that, to find my ‘perfect career’. But when did I figure out the career I was destined for? In a coffee shop, realising that they should really change the colour scheme, because of the atmosphere they were creating. Boom, light-bulb, interior designer. And when I knew, I just knew, and I had felt like I had known for a while, but it had yet to click. It took me 19 years, going to uni to do something I loved, but wasn’t career worthy for me (which landed me in a lot of debt,) and a heartbreaking break-up to realise this. And for some people it takes a lot longer, so I count myself as one of the lucky one’s. But please don’t think that just because you don’t know what career you want, doesn’t mean that you’re lost. Like me, you could be in a random place, and it suddenly come to you. It’s all about timing, and trusting the universe to give you signs of what you need at that specific time.
T h i n g s C o u l d C h a n g e
...you have to go with that, and hand on heart, I’m not still not used to change, I hate it in fact, but I’m getting used to it. I know what Z is now, and I’m just about moving to b, from a, but I have no idea about what’s in-between, and I’m kinda exited to see how it all pans out. (Not saying that I won’t freak out sometimes…most times.)
You can’t get butterflies, if things never changed.
S o w h a t h a d t o c h a n g e ?
My perspective. I picked myself up, and I fell back down more times than I will ever admit, but the main thing was, I didn’t give up. Sure I had my days of thinking I could give up, but it was all in the little things that got me through. And the most important thing to know, is that it wasn’t my friends that saved me, it wasn’t my family, or my horse, it wasn’t a walk in the park. It was me, and it was me all along. Sure having your friends, and family surrounding you helps, I admit I couldn’t of gotten through without them, but in the end it’s all you. The most important thing in beating loneliness, and feeling stuck, is that you can’t rush the process of feeling better, that shit takes time, so let it run its course. You are where you’re meant to be. Getting out of a rut is different for everyone, but normally that rut is the start of a new adventure. So try and embrace it. Try and cherish the good times, and get through the bad times. But don’t give up.
Now on all of the movies on television, I have found that they all follow the exact same pattern, of which once known can get a little frustrating. So here goes: Someone has a perfect life, something happens which destroys that life, they get really upset, get a burst of motivation, and hey presto there’s your happy ending. Sound familiar? Unfortunately reality just isn’t like that, now I’m not going to sit here and be all negative about it, I’m just going to be real with you (of which I will always promise to be.) You will have times where you will feel like shit, you will rise back out of that dark place, and then you will fall back into it sometimes, don’t expect a miracle. The most important thing to know, is that it’s not forever. You conquered it once, you can do it again. My mother used to tell me,
‘failure is not the opposite of success, it’s a stepping stone to success.’ So at some point, I learned not to dread failure. I strongly believe that we are not put on this Earth just to accumulate victories and trophies and avoid failures; but rather to be whittled and sandpapered down until what’s left is who we truly are.”
I think she got it from a movie, or a famous actor, but never the less it’s true. ‘Try, try, and try again.’ has been the motto I have followed for my entire life and it never failed me, until the day it did. Because what I was trying for, wasn’t something I was passionate about, I was trying for something that wasn’t me. What you have to understand is, you have to put all of your energy into something of which will benefit you, for you. When you feel lonely, and stuck, you often put all of your energy into trying to feel instantly better, and that’s not how it works.
T a k e o n e s t e p a t a t i m e . T a ke a b r ea t h .
So now when I wake up in the morning, and am in the worst mood from hell, I try everything within my power to feel better, and if I can’t feel better then I know that I will try to make tomorrow better. For example; evenings are normally my worst time to feel bad. One evening I had felt the worst I had felt in a while, I couldn’t pick myself up from my bad mood, so I made a decision. I was going to let tomorrow be a day full of positivity starting from when I woke up, and to give myself a head start I cleaned my entire room, made my bed, and cleaned my bathroom. It’s safe to say a ‘tidy room, is a tidy mind’. And truth be told the next day was filled with positivity, whether it was all to do with cleaning can be argued but it certainly helped. Just try and not put pressure on yourself to have a perfect day, instead try to find something positive, no matter how small everyday. Because the world is a pretty cool place to live when you really think about it. If you can’t be happy all the time, then that’s okay. Nobody is, but never give up trying to be.